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Friday, January 23, 2015

School and Uncertainty:The Vent

Ever since I started college in the Fall of 2012, I have suffered anxiety right before the beginning of every semester.I have crying fits,hyperventilation and I'm in a constant state of second guessing everything.Currently,I'm sitting in bed looking at one of the syllabus of one of the courses I'm taking, and I can feel myself sinking.I just finished a tearful prayer and something in me said "why not share this ugly moment with the internet, perhaps someone else feels this way and can relate".

I don't know why I always have the most dreadful feelings before school starts.Maybe it's because I'm thinking about all the money I'm spending for an education I don't think I ever really wanted.Have I spent a small fortune on something I'm not meant to pursue?If this is the right path for me why aren't I excited like other people, if it's meant for me why is my initial reaction always panic?

These questions only make matters worse.When I begin to question why I act the way I do when confronted with school it makes me reconsider my life path.Then I'm tangled in "coulda, woulda,shoulda", while trying to take deep breaths and wiping these salty tears from my eyes.Feeling trapped and blind of course leads to panic and the blasted cycle continues.

I'm frustrated with this cycle,it's unhealthy.The first week is always the worse, then perhaps by the 2nd month I've grown numb to all the alarms going off in my head and I've found something to distract me.Before I know it, it's the middle of the semester and I'm thinking about the next semester and my body is taken by shudders and my brain is desperately trying to shut it out, but I can't.Because I know it's coming, I know the next semester is on the way. I know thousands of more dollars will be spent in pursuit of a degree I didn't know I wanted, a degree I might not be able to do a damn thing with.Suddenly my hands are pulling at my hair, I'm curled up in my bed and crying again because I wish I knew someone who also finds uncertainty to be lethal and that's why I'm posting this.

I can't tell you it gets better because frankly I don't know if it does.I can't exactly offer you a cure outside of methods of venting such as blogging or talking to a friend.
 I can tell you, you're not alone.I can tell you you're not the first to struggle with school and you're not the last.Do not suffer in silence, there are people like me who can recognize the pain in your voice because it sounds like my own. You have to let out the pain or it will only grow bigger and bigger and get more intimidating.Uncertainty will always be there, but you have to fight it off and the more you confront it, the smaller it will be.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

What's It Like Blogging Daily?

Blogging daily is a new,necessary challenge I've given myself over on shtedaily.wordpress.com. Blogging daily forces me to write.It forces me to look writer's block in the face and destroy it where it stands.
Since I've given myself the new responsibility of writing a new blog post everyday, I've given myself a specific amount of time out of the day to gather my thoughts and to strictly look for inspiration.Putting myself in a strict fashion blogging space feels really good actually, it makes me feel professional.I'd forgotten what it was like to get into the zone of blogging and let my creativity have a field day!
Ever since I've been posting more frequently, I've begun looking at the criteria for what I consider a good blog post and how much of myself I'm comfortable with giving to my blog.In addition to discovering my own blog criteria, I've opened myself to finding inspiration anywhere from tv shows, films, lipstick shades,shoe ads, nature, any and everything can spark a blog post!
I think the absolute best part of blogging every single day is having something to look forward to everyday. I love waking up to see my content has been published and waiting to see if anything has been sparked from my creation whether it be a comment,an addition to a conversation, a new follower to add to the SHTE Family or to simply inspire someone.
Now that I'm done listing all of the pros, I have to be real with you guys and list a few cons.Putting in so much effort on the SHTE Daily can be pressuring. I just want my blog to succeed so badly and every time I go to post, I'm reminded of how far I want this blog to go and it gets tense.
In addition to the intensity of work put into my blog, it's difficult sharing my content on social media because now there's something new to share every single day, When you only post a few times a week(like I used to do)then you don't have much to share on social media. So now I have all of this content but no time to actually share it, I've got to work on this struggle ASAP.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Don't Let Preparation Punk You

I've been holding back on blogging and posting because I haven't felt entirely ready to get back in full force. I've been making lists of topics and what direction I want to take this blog in this year. I've been budgeting my money for what kind of things I'll need to buy for the proper content to create. I've been in the preparation process for soo long, that the idea of posting before everything was perfect terrified me. 
Well I've decided to change. I'm never going to be in the perfect position to blog because perfection is fictitious and subjective.I don't have to wait until I buy my Macbook, I don't have to wait until I've bought Photoshop, I don't have to wait until I have my ring light, I can post right damn now!
A lot of us enter the preparation process and never get out and that's sad. It's awful thinking about all the ideas,products,inventions and talent has been stifled because they took the preparation process and made it their crutch and made it their excuse for fear.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should holler yolo and go run out into the abyss. I'm just saying that there's a difference between waiting for the perfect moment and waiting until you've become perfect. 
I can't keep waiting for my blog to be perfect to take action. Here's to posting when my gut tells me to and no longer being preparation's bitch.

Friday, January 9, 2015

What Do You Want?

I've come to the conclusion that you have to figure out what you want to determine what you're willing to do. This is why people encourage you to find something you're passionate about, so you have something that burns so brightly in your heart that it can lead you through your dark times.Although, this process seems simple it doesn't come without difficulty. Determining what you want can be scary especially when 
  • You're the only one who believes you can actually achieve what you want.
  • What you want isn't a common thing.
  • There's no predisposed plan for achieving what you want.
  • No one else has done it before.
    It can be scary figuring out what you want because the second you finally look into your heart at your true desires, its hard to look away.I know what it's like to sit down with a notebook and outline everything that speaks to you and being both happy and overwhelmed at what you see.I also know what its like to move with goals in sight and the heart ache that's accompanied when you fail to reach them.I went through last year ignoring what I truly want and simply getting by without motivation-it sucked..Getting what you want lies in what you're willing to go through for what you want whether it be failure,heart ache or struggle. 
     I can personally say that believing in your ability to get what you want is always worth it.Even now as I struggle through the battle of building enough belief in my dreams again, I would never go back to leading life blindly.It helps me feel better when I find myself feeling low about my future, that I'm not the only one who has faced these fears.Many successful people have shared the same feelings of being lost, feeling alone in your pursuit for success and questioning if it really can be done.What makes you successful is being able to look at the challenges and keep going anyway.What I want is the consistency to keep moving and believing whether in myself, whether it be done in grand leaps or baby steps.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Catching Up

I've been consistently posting blog posts on my fashion blog http:/shtedaily.wordpress.com and in doing so I've completely neglected this personal blog.If it makes any of you feel any better nothing much has changed in the last few months. I'm still working,writing and pursuing my goals. I changed my major to telecommunications and hopefully I will be able to graduate next year with an associates degree.On the surface not much has changed but on a deeper level I know something has changed with in me and I don't know if I like it.
You know when there are specific things you know you need to do, but you keep avoiding them because you're afraid of how they'll turn out. I've had these thoughts going on in my head that I've been afraid to confront.
You can't let big things like your future, goals and whether or not you believe in them like you used to sit in the dark for too long.Just like I'm trying to catch all you guys up, I guess I'm trying to catch myself up too.I haven't taken much life evaluation like I used to but I guess 2015 is the year I take my head out of the sand,

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